Happiness

Here’s another dark one i wrote a few yrs back, at the height of my depression. Luckily, i am very Happy to report that for about the past year, for the first time in my adult life, i am above water. And once and awhile i’m even able to enjoy the moment and just breath. The lows are still there, but much more manageable. I wish i could tell you the magic bullet to fix everything, but i’m afraid it’s not that simple, and most like, different for each individual. But if i can give one piece of advice, it would be, to be as honest with yourself as you can and except what you find.

I have stumbled upon shards of this shiny thing known as happiness, as not to be completely ignorant of its existence. I have caught reflected glimpses of it’s refracted beauty, even felt it’s warmth a time or two. Yet I have never been able to fully enjoy it, as others, for it only seems to cut deeper the harder I try to grasp it. Or grow so cold to the touch as to burn.

I could not tell you what it is to be in a state of happiness, though. Honestly I would be “happy” to be content. It seems to me, whether it be romance or ambition,  one person’s happiness is another’s agony, but what would I know.

I do not wish to cause pain yet I know my lack of joy has not gone unnoted and it, in turn, causes its own suffering for those that have a care for me. If it wasn’t for this hard truth, I would have given up on the mythical creature long ago. Chalking it up to, yet another, luxury that shall remain ever beyond my reach.

I do not begrudge those that are truly happy. I may not understand their blissful nature, nor the ease at which some seem to emanate this wonder. I only hope they cherish the gift, while it is whole and beautiful, and theirs to hold, for once it breaks, it is sure to maim any who try to make sense of the shattered remnants.