The fact that i am even making this post blows my mind. Seriously, i spent the majority of my life expecting to die young, hoping to die young, ever petrified of the future. Now, not only am i looking forward to the future, i am Happy about the possibilities!

I used opiates to kill the pain & to shut off my manic brain for a little while. I also used for an excuse, a reason, for feeling & acting the way i was. For the longest time i was ashamed & embarrassed of my depression, ever thinking it must be my own fault, and admitting its existence would surely bring a rain of ridicule & disappointment at the thought of me succumbing to such a ridiculously weak ailment, if it was indeed an actual medical conditional at all.

Only now, with a yr. clear-headed & clean, do i have enough of a reference point to accurately view how bad it really was. Though, i’m still deathly afraid to talk about it, let alone revisit it. Still not being able to fully enjoy the moment, thinking it will be takin away as soon as i do. Though, i am hopeful that will subside as time goes by.

Even though they happened around the same time, I didn’t receive relief from my depression as soon as a got clean, actually, i didn’t become clean untill the dour fog finally lifted. Once the weight was finally lifted, i no longer needed a crutch.

For the full story, check out my “Hello my name is…” series, but to sum it up, i addressed the underlying issues, which in my case was, first, discovering then coming to terms with who a truly am, and excepting it. And to stop trying to be the person others (mortal & immortal alike) want me to be. I wasn’t able to do this until i recognized and confronted the problem by seeking professional help. It’s not easy finding the right combo of meds, and a therapist you feel comfortable with, but these are essential. No matter who you are, you are not capable of beating this monster alone. Talk to someone, whether its addiction or depression, it is not your fault. And Cannabis! Smoke lots and Lots of Cannabis!!

I guess i could be bitter about not seeking help sooner, but honestly, i wouldn’t change much because all those experiences, joyous & horrid alike, make up the person i am today, and for the first time ever, i like that person : )