First year clean : )

The fact that i am even making this post blows my mind. Seriously, i spent the majority of my life expecting to die young, hoping to die young, ever petrified of the future. Now, not only am i looking forward to the future, i am Happy about the possibilities!

I used opiates to kill the pain & to shut off my manic brain for a little while. I also used for an excuse, a reason, for feeling & acting the way i was. For the longest time i was ashamed & embarrassed of my depression, ever thinking it must be my own fault, and admitting its existence would surely bring a rain of ridicule & disappointment at the thought of me succumbing to such a ridiculously weak ailment, if it was indeed an actual medical conditional at all.

Only now, with a yr. clear-headed & clean, do i have enough of a reference point to accurately view how bad it really was. Though, i’m still deathly afraid to talk about it, let alone revisit it. Still not being able to fully enjoy the moment, thinking it will be takin away as soon as i do. Though, i am hopeful that will subside as time goes by.

Even though they happened around the same time, I didn’t receive relief from my depression as soon as a got clean, actually, i didn’t become clean untill the dour fog finally lifted. Once the weight was finally lifted, i no longer needed a crutch.

For the full story, check out my “Hello my name is…” series, but to sum it up, i addressed the underlying issues, which in my case was, first, discovering then coming to terms with who a truly am, and excepting it. And to stop trying to be the person others (mortal & immortal alike) want me to be. I wasn’t able to do this until i recognized and confronted the problem by seeking professional help. It’s not easy finding the right combo of meds, and a therapist you feel comfortable with, but these are essential. No matter who you are, you are not capable of beating this monster alone. Talk to someone, whether its addiction or depression, it is not your fault. And Cannabis! Smoke lots and Lots of Cannabis!!

I guess i could be bitter about not seeking help sooner, but honestly, i wouldn’t change much because all those experiences, joyous & horrid alike, make up the person i am today, and for the first time ever, i like that person : )

The Mad Pathfinder

Most of my poems are dark & depressing, but i wanted to start off on a happier note so i decided to upload the first poem i wrote that wasn’t about suicide, haha. Thankfully, i can now laugh at that. I do that not to make light of the matter, but simply to show, it is possible to make it through a day, a lifetime, of depression & anxiety, and addiction no matter how hopeless & useless it may seem in the Moment.
The Muse strikes, when & where, the muse will strike

Do not resist, oh dear no, do not clamp tight

The levees may fill, do not fret, the levees Must break

Release the Spring, now flow forth, release the flood gate

Fear not, these new freshets of imagination, fear not, their mighty wake

For now, sprouting torrents, raging towards an uncertain fate

For now, Mad Pathfinder, take me to that tranquil trance like State

Hello, my name is Jason 3/3

I hadn’t planed on this coming out on American Thanksgiving (if i get done in time) but i’m glad it has, because i have so, so much, to be thankful for. First and foremost, i am grateful & thankful for my incredible loving caring supportive family. Especially my mom, who has, and continues too, support me, both financially & morally, as i try to figure out this thing called life. I could never possibly repay her for all she’s done for me, and our family. She truly is a super hero in my eyes. I just hope to make her latter days as enjoyable and peaceful, as i made her youth chaotic and worrisome : )

I’m truly thankful for, and humbled by, the unwarranted amount of good ppl that still, after everything i put them through, call me friend. Thanks for waiting for me, even though i didn’t deserve it

I’m thankful for, once again, winning the cosmic lottery and awaking to an immersive conscious experience we call life!

I’m thankful, and grateful to all that take the time to read this, or check out any of my other work.

Most of all, though, right now, i am grateful, and quite astonished, to be in a position, a state of mind, where i do not feel a need or desire to stick poison in my vain. Even more surprising though, is that i’m okay. Happy even. Which is all still fairly new, and exciting, and a little bit scary. But its okay : )

Have a great Turkey day wherever you are! Hopefully, one day, everybody will get to be Okay

Letter 3https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U59u4huLrGT8MVgfLMSeEtwZTt0TKMNDbkBPbDM3n3s/edit?usp=drivesdk/3

I’ll post the comments you cant see in the pdf in a couple days, for this letter and the others

Hello, my name is Jason 1/3

The easiest way to introduce myself is going to be the way, i myself, got to know me.

Sadly, for most my life, i believed this cosmic boon of existence was nothing more than a pit stop on to something much greater & more important, or at least a little less angst filled & bloody senseless.

As i got older, i realized that was just wishful thinking, a fairytale for adults. But instead of this being the last nail in my self-made coffin of solitude, it gave me Hope! As well as, the freedom to explore and get to know the real me. (without the fear of not living up to some unattainable imaginary standard.)

During the summer of 2017, i want on an extended family vacation to south carolina. I hadn’t seen or really talked (completely my fault) to some of them for yrs. and they, catholics, hadn’t been aware that a was an atheist, yet. Which wasnt a huge deal because im lucky enough to have been brought up in a really tight, loving, family. But instead of bringing it up casually, as i had planed, it came out the first night, after a long day of drinking and travailing, and drinking, lol

We decided not to talk about it for the rest of the week, for the sake of the vacation. After i got back, though, i wanted to apologize for the rudeness in my approach, plus i still wanted to say what i had to say, so i wrote what turned out to be the first of three letters. Thankfully, only the first is about religion, but all three helped not only by unlocking a hidden talent, but it helped me discover who i am, and what it is i want to do with this precious boon that i have been bestowed!

Each is addressed to my uncle T (we’ll call him) my mothers eldest brother. My mom had me when she was young, and my dad died when i was two, so from my view at the time, i was lucky enough to be brought up by both my uncles, my mom and of course Granny cat, in a great big loving house where there always seemed to be something going one. which is partly why i don’t address either of them as “uncle”. Some find this disrespectful, but to me, they are more like older brothers &/or father figures, so calling them mere uncles would be the insult, in my eyes. so without further ado, here’s letter 1/3
First letter (complete)