First year clean : )

The fact that i am even making this post blows my mind. Seriously, i spent the majority of my life expecting to die young, hoping to die young, ever petrified of the future. Now, not only am i looking forward to the future, i am Happy about the possibilities!

I used opiates to kill the pain & to shut off my manic brain for a little while. I also used for an excuse, a reason, for feeling & acting the way i was. For the longest time i was ashamed & embarrassed of my depression, ever thinking it must be my own fault, and admitting its existence would surely bring a rain of ridicule & disappointment at the thought of me succumbing to such a ridiculously weak ailment, if it was indeed an actual medical conditional at all.

Only now, with a yr. clear-headed & clean, do i have enough of a reference point to accurately view how bad it really was. Though, i’m still deathly afraid to talk about it, let alone revisit it. Still not being able to fully enjoy the moment, thinking it will be takin away as soon as i do. Though, i am hopeful that will subside as time goes by.

Even though they happened around the same time, I didn’t receive relief from my depression as soon as a got clean, actually, i didn’t become clean untill the dour fog finally lifted. Once the weight was finally lifted, i no longer needed a crutch.

For the full story, check out my “Hello my name is…” series, but to sum it up, i addressed the underlying issues, which in my case was, first, discovering then coming to terms with who a truly am, and excepting it. And to stop trying to be the person others (mortal & immortal alike) want me to be. I wasn’t able to do this until i recognized and confronted the problem by seeking professional help. It’s not easy finding the right combo of meds, and a therapist you feel comfortable with, but these are essential. No matter who you are, you are not capable of beating this monster alone. Talk to someone, whether its addiction or depression, it is not your fault. And Cannabis! Smoke lots and Lots of Cannabis!!

I guess i could be bitter about not seeking help sooner, but honestly, i wouldn’t change much because all those experiences, joyous & horrid alike, make up the person i am today, and for the first time ever, i like that person : )

Lonely Night

Here’s another one i started while i was depressed, but thankfully, i was able to finish it on not too much of a downer : )

I have a blog post coming up, on the new year, as well as, my 1st full Year clean !! So look for that. Good day, and Happy New Year !!

Every night I lay awake, waiting. Awaiting something that never comes. In the still of night, that is never truly still, when my body is at rest, or as close to it as it can get, and my mind less inhibited by the days monotony, I lay, and I wait, and wait….. and wait…

Like some love-sick sweetheart, waiting for her letter to come which will tell her that everything will be alright, and that her one and only will be home before the little one can even speak. But like the helpless widow, I do not receive the message I would like, if I receive any at all. So i continue to wait…

Would that I knew what I wanted my letter to say. I wistfully wait for that to come to me, as well. Of course I would wish stability and happiness for my friends and family but if I had a cosmic boon to use on, and for only, me, well I wouldn’t trust it, but neither do i know what I would use it for…. So I wait…

I wait for the moment, after the din dies down and before the birds start their song. Just before the darkness engulfs you and you’re still connected to this realm enough to know you should be paying attention but you forgot what ever for. Or maybe you are lucky enough to grasp “It”, taste “it”, believe “it”, even, for that one finite moment of clarity, that can seem everlasting, until it is nevermore.

Yet no matter how warm, comforting, and reassuring that shimmering silhouetted glimpse may seem, it will never be more than a ghostly phantom, if all we do is nothing but wait.

Happiness

Here’s another dark one i wrote a few yrs back, at the height of my depression. Luckily, i am very Happy to report that for about the past year, for the first time in my adult life, i am above water. And once and awhile i’m even able to enjoy the moment and just breath. The lows are still there, but much more manageable. I wish i could tell you the magic bullet to fix everything, but i’m afraid it’s not that simple, and most like, different for each individual. But if i can give one piece of advice, it would be, to be as honest with yourself as you can and except what you find.

I have stumbled upon shards of this shiny thing known as happiness, as not to be completely ignorant of its existence. I have caught reflected glimpses of it’s refracted beauty, even felt it’s warmth a time or two. Yet I have never been able to fully enjoy it, as others, for it only seems to cut deeper the harder I try to grasp it. Or grow so cold to the touch as to burn.

I could not tell you what it is to be in a state of happiness, though. Honestly I would be “happy” to be content. It seems to me, whether it be romance or ambition, one person’s happiness is another’s agony, but what would I know.

I do not wish to cause pain yet I know my lack of joy has not gone unnoted and it, in turn, causes its own suffering for those that have a care for me. If it wasn’t for this hard truth, I would have given up on the mythical creature long ago. Chalking it up to, yet another, luxury that shall remain ever beyond my reach.

I do not begrudge those that are truly happy. I may not understand their blissful nature, nor the ease at which some seem to emanate this wonder. I only hope they cherish the gift, while it is whole and beautiful, and theirs to hold, for once it breaks, it is sure to maim any who try to make sense of the shattered remnants.

Depths of my depression

I was at the height of my depression when i wrote this. I’m just thankful i’m no longer in that state of mind. Which is not something i ever thought possible. Yet here i am : )

I know it’s not easy but it is possible. Please, believe that

The depths of my depression, I blatantly ignore. In an attempt to keep it hidden, I’ve even
welded shut that dark, dark door.
Yet inevitably, after continuous waxing, and with little wane. I am left fighting the under current,
wadding in the miasma, trying to ignore the pain.
Though sometimes, embracing the corruption, I let the darkness overcome me, to feed on my
vigor, vitality, and drive. For the deep abyss is oddly comforting, strangely enthralling and
dripping with, sweet, sweet lies.
O’ It would be so easy to let the nothingness consume me and succumb to it’s lofty promise of a
suffer-less void. To leave everything behind, as the Barker fills my hear with his calls of
everlasting “joy”.
As I start to feel weary, as I begin to give in, somehow I’m reminded, from somewhere down
deep with in. For surely it is not about me, it’s about my loved ones, my family, my friends, and
my kin!
So I stubbornly balk at the facade of lies, this mummer’s farce, the charlatans guise. Reaching
for the surface, again, and again… I try, and I try….