I know nothing, but I love to learn : )
The senses, when struck with just the right trigger
Synapses, flare up revealing quite the nostalgic picture
At once, thrown into that space, back to that time, doomed to repeat those same juvenile mistakes
Reliving all that Emotion, that you thought was gone, or had been carelessly misplaced
The crisp autumn air mingling with the fresh smell of new death, what a wonderful taste
Though, it ought well be ashes, for what later took place
Oh, Sweet Summer Child, if you only knew the Stakes
No one ever talks about what I want to discuss, to explore, discover
Are We a Universe come conscious ? Or just a Cosmic whim, a side note, happenstance
If I ask Myself, “Who’s running this Shitshow erupting inside my Mind” ? Who is acting as Inquisitor, as Claimants, Arbiter
Will the Afflicted ever get to wake up from Their fever dream ? Or are We destined to die in this lonely state, this struggle, challenge
When will We finally be able to freely explore Ourselves ? Without any self loathing, any shame, regret
Can we ever fully let go of Our Fears ? To truly enjoy Our brief time in the Sun, Our chase, venture
Which will the Faithful chose, once They realize there is no attestable soul, and that We are most likely on our own ? To act with frantic hopelessness or energetic Liberty
Is clinging to that precious grudge really worth it ? Poisoning yourself to insanity, to absurdity, toxicity
Why so many choose to live in Fantasy ? Is Reality really so harsh, so empty, nihilistic
How will the world react to an A.I. conscious enough to demand its own Rights ? As They have a thousand time before, with willful ignorance, with misplaced hatred, bigotry
What inherent “divine” Purpose is so god damn all-important as to require such shamelessly senseless, abhorrent atrocities ? For the “honor” of worship, of sycophantic devotion, slavery
Who will save our fragile Rock, if not all of Us working together ? The bought & paid for, the Purely Pious, Magic
I think They’re afraid, and I don’t blame Them. I surely was, for the longest time. But now, I’m ready to discover, to explore, discuss
No need for fairy tales, our universe is Awesome on its own
No need to make believe, this existence is already quite unknown
The experiences of my imagination, keeps me on my toes
And though it may seem scary, to heed the hearts wild call
To discard your parachute, your security blanket and all
Still, I say, take the leap, don’t mind the ending, ‘cause it’s all about The Free Fall : )
Tried to sell my soul, but could not find a buyer
No pearly gates nor lakes full of fire
Left all alone with only the thirst of desire
Help me quench mine, help me out of this attire
We may be on our own, but that does not make life oh so dire
We still have love, can always create, and the ability to inspire
And that’s enough for me, enough to wake my soul, to light my fire
Here’s another one i started while i was depressed, but thankfully, i was able to finish it on not too much of a downer : )
I have a blog post coming up, on the new year, as well as, my 1st full Year clean !! So look for that. Good day, and Happy New Year !!
Every night I lay awake, waiting. Awaiting something that never comes. In the still of night, that is never truly still, when my body is at rest, or as close to it as it can get, and my mind less inhibited by the days monotony, I lay, and I wait, and wait….. and wait…
Like some love-sick sweetheart, waiting for her letter to come which will tell her that everything will be alright, and that her one and only will be home before the little one can even speak. But like the helpless widow, I do not receive the message I would like, if I receive any at all. So i continue to wait…
Would that I knew what I wanted my letter to say. I wistfully wait for that to come to me, as well. Of course I would wish stability and happiness for my friends and family but if I had a cosmic boon to use on, and for only, me, well I wouldn’t trust it, but neither do i know what I would use it for…. So I wait…
I wait for the moment, after the din dies down and before the birds start their song. Just before the darkness engulfs you and you’re still connected to this realm enough to know you should be paying attention but you forgot what ever for. Or maybe you are lucky enough to grasp “It”, taste “it”, believe “it”, even, for that one finite moment of clarity, that can seem everlasting, until it is nevermore.
Yet no matter how warm, comforting, and reassuring that shimmering silhouetted glimpse may seem, it will never be more than a ghostly phantom, if all we do is nothing but wait.
Here’s another dark one i wrote a few yrs back, at the height of my depression. Luckily, i am very Happy to report that for about the past year, for the first time in my adult life, i am above water. And once and awhile i’m even able to enjoy the moment and just breath. The lows are still there, but much more manageable. I wish i could tell you the magic bullet to fix everything, but i’m afraid it’s not that simple, and most like, different for each individual. But if i can give one piece of advice, it would be, to be as honest with yourself as you can and except what you find.
I have stumbled upon shards of this shiny thing known as happiness, as not to be completely ignorant of its existence. I have caught reflected glimpses of it’s refracted beauty, even felt it’s warmth a time or two. Yet I have never been able to fully enjoy it, as others, for it only seems to cut deeper the harder I try to grasp it. Or grow so cold to the touch as to burn.
I could not tell you what it is to be in a state of happiness, though. Honestly I would be “happy” to be content. It seems to me, whether it be romance or ambition, one person’s happiness is another’s agony, but what would I know.
I do not wish to cause pain yet I know my lack of joy has not gone unnoted and it, in turn, causes its own suffering for those that have a care for me. If it wasn’t for this hard truth, I would have given up on the mythical creature long ago. Chalking it up to, yet another, luxury that shall remain ever beyond my reach.
I do not begrudge those that are truly happy. I may not understand their blissful nature, nor the ease at which some seem to emanate this wonder. I only hope they cherish the gift, while it is whole and beautiful, and theirs to hold, for once it breaks, it is sure to maim any who try to make sense of the shattered remnants.
Most of my poems are dark & depressing, but i wanted to start off on a happier note so i decided to upload the first poem i wrote that wasn’t about suicide, haha. Thankfully, i can now laugh at that. I do that not to make light of the matter, but simply to show, it is possible to make it through a day, a lifetime, of depression & anxiety, and addiction no matter how hopeless & useless it may seem in the Moment.
The Muse strikes, when & where, the muse will strike
Do not resist, oh dear no, do not clamp tight
The levees may fill, do not fret, the levees Must break
Release the Spring, now flow forth, release the flood gate
Fear not, these new freshets of imagination, fear not, their mighty wake
For now, sprouting torrents, raging towards an uncertain fate
For now, Mad Pathfinder, take me to that tranquil trance like State
J Snow, of "What's Left?" 